20 Days Till Heaven…Day 3 – I Get To Be Happy Now, This Is A Positive Thing

October 18, 2017 Michael Weese Comments 0 Comment

20 Days Till Heaven…Day 3 – I Get To Be Happy Now, This Is A Positive Thing

Memories from October 18th, 2016 – Day 3

Today Kate woke up feeling a little exhausted. This was the first time we spoke in the morning, she really just said that she was a little tired and a few other random things. She did however end our 1st call with, “I love you so much.” That made it special of course. Adding the word “so” changes the entire dynamic of the phrase.

Here is an audio clip of that call.

We had a lot of calls today and I guess it will make sense why in a little bit.

If you read the post yesterday, you know that she had a scan to check on the status of the cancer and if the chemotherapy was working or not. Today she was going back down to review the results. She asked me if I wanted to go with her, but that it didn’t matter either way. We spoke and I opted just to go to work and she was fine with that.

Truth is, I think was scared. I could tell in the past few weeks that nothing had improved with her breathing and coughing. I was so afraid that there would be a small chance that this would be the appointment when they told her that the chemotherapy wasn’t working any longer. I didn’t have enough time to process it. It’s not that I avoided it, I just wasn’t thinking. If it was the end, I wouldn’t want a doctor to tell me, I wanted to hear it from her I guess. Maybe she is the only one that I would accept the bad news from.

On the other hand something still made me feel like she would call and say that they were going to try a new treatment. Either way I felt a lot of regret that day, I was selfish. I should have been there just in case and put my own insecurities aside. I needed to let her know I was sorry.

A couple hours later I received this text while she was at the appointment.

I called right away, I just happened to call when the doctor was out of the room. She said, “I am going to fill you in, but I have to hang up if she comes back in.” What she told me next left me lost. The new chemotherapy had not been working at all. She asked the doctor if there was a chance to continue treatment, but the doctor said that there had been significant growth. I told Kate that I wanted her to continue, she was upset and said that she didn’t want me mad at her. I said “I won’t be mad and I support whatever you do.” She told me, “that if you go into hospice earlier, you live longer because you are not getting beat up from the chemo.” I told her, “I want whatever you want.” She said, “If I only have a short time than I would rather the days be good.” I told her, “I support whatever you do.” She said that she would call me back when she was done.

I called right back and said, “Should we see if you can do just one more treatment or at least ask?” It was a moment of weakness, desperation and being confused. What was I doing? I had just told her that I supported whatever she wanted and here I was calling back essentially begging.

A few minutes after that I sent a text saying I would come drive her home and she responded.

She called after she was out of the appointment and waiting for her prescription. She said that she didn’t want me to feel like she let me down. I assured her that wasn’t the case at all and that none of this was about me. I asked her if they told her a time frame. She said the doctor told her, “not a year, more like months.” I told her that I was going to take vacation time from work and she replied, “you still need to work and you still need to have a regular life.” I told her we that would talk about it at home and that I didn’t want to have any regrets by not spending enough time together.

I asked her one more thing before we hung up. I said, “Just double checking, do you want a 2nd opinion?” She said, “No, I am at peace, but if you want me to I will.” I told her that I was at peace also then.

I called her a little while later and she was still waiting on her prescription. I told her that I called my mom to come back over to watch the kids so that we could have the afternoon together. Just one evening to have each other.

Before she hung up I asked her one last thing again. I said, “how are you saying that you are at peace?” I added, “I just want to understand?”

She answered, “I’ve been saying it every day.”

I said, “When did you let go of…?”

She answered, “I just feel like its God’s plan and I feel like we have to do what he wants.”

Here is an audio clip of that call.

She added, “and I want you to view this as a positive thing, I want to feel that from you Mike.”

We had one last call for the day that I have recorded and I was in the basement watching the kids after my mom left again. I asked her if she was coming down to meet the people that were dropping off food to us. She said that she was going to come down to meet them. I told her that I needed one last thing from her.

I told her that I needed her to start talking about our next meeting. She didn’t understand what I was asking for. I said, “Start talking about our next meeting and things we will do, talk about our spot and how we are going to meet there to talk, talk about things you want me to do, tell me all the things you would do if you were still here, tell me things that we are going to do when we are in heaven together, I need to hear these things from you so that they will repeat in my head forever.”

I only had one more text from her that day. Looks like someone promised Pierce Cheetos for a bedtime snack.