Never say you never knew…

I had several thoughts last night when I was putting you guys to bed.  I was looking at the both of you thinking about how you’re living life with really no idea of what’s been going on the past few years.  You’re totally oblivious and innocent.  But after all, that’s how it should be and I’m OK with that for now.

Your biggest worries are…did I eat enough dinner to earn dessert and is Dad going to know that I am the real reason my brother is crying?

Your definition of heartbreak is having to leave the playground earlier than you wanted to.  You try to justify having a bad day with the fact that you missed Hey Duggee on Nick Jr. before nap.

You think the end of the world is coming because your brother wants to borrow just one of the 14 matchbox cars that you are hoarding in your tee-shirt.

And last, you consider yourself a failure when your brother beats you to the top of the steps, which often results in a complete meltdown.

Things may seem tough now, but unfortunately I have more bad news.  It’s only going to get worse.  Especially with the hand that you were dealt.  I’m not going to lie to you, your hand sucks a little bit.

It’s reality.  Reality can be harsh.  I refuse to lie to you.  You often ask, “When is Mommy coming back?”  The answer has always been never and will continue to be never.  It was “never” yesterday, it’s “never” today, and it’s “never” tomorrow.

That’s not me being mean, unsympathetic, or showing you lack of compassion…its just our reality.

But don’t give up hope yet, your Mom never did.  Your Mom died from cancer, but that just solidifies the fact that she was a fighter.  You were your Mom’s reason to fight so let her be yours.  You will quickly learn that your pain will become your strength.

Be sad, be angry, miss her…all of that is fine, but make sure the outcome is positive.  There is always someone who has it worse than you do.  For that reason be careful not to complain.

“Perspective and mindset” that’s what she would say.  Those are probably the two most important words that you need to become familiar with sooner than later.  Almost more important than learning your colors, ABC’s or how to count.

There’s plenty of hope and you will get to live life from a uncommon and unique point of view.  Just because your situation is different it doesn’t mean that you are at a disadvantage.  All you have to do is accept your hand…and your reality.  Let your faith and blessings do the rest.

Never ever ever in your life say, “I never knew my Mom.”

I saw you climb over the baby gate after waking up in the morning and run into our room screaming, “MAMA!!” Trust me you knew your Mom.

I’d watch you run to the door with your arms outstretched when she’d walk in the door after work and you’d yell, “MAMA!!” Trust me you knew your Mom.

When you were hungry for a snack you would bring her the cereal box to open and say, “MAMA!” Trust me you knew your Mom.

When you would fall and hurt yourself I would tell you jump up and brush it off.  It wasn’t ever good enough, you would run to her and cry, “MAMA!” Trust me you knew your Mom.

When your Mom would put you to bed, say your prayers with you, and tuck you in with a kiss…you would smile and say, “Amen” and “Nite Nite Mama!” Trust me you knew your Mom.

There was a time when your Mom knew you and you knew your Mom and that’s that.

One day it’s going to make sense why we have to look at the same videos and pictures on my phone all the time.  One day its going to make sense why we have to say good morning and good night to a portrait of your mom that hangs on the wall.  I can only hope that maybe you will even dream of her because of it.  My biggest fear is letting you forget that perfect smile of hers.

You can say you don’t remember much about her.  You can say you didn’t get to grow up with your Mom.  You can even admit to not having any clear memories about your Mom.  It’s OK if you don’t remember her, but never say that you never knew your Mom.

One last important thing you should know.  There’s good news to it and bad news to it.  The good news is that your Mom is going to watch over you all of the time.  The bad news is that your Mom is going to watch over you all of the time…Don’t embarrass yourself.

I tend to let the fact that I’m going to see your mom again one day be my moral compass.  I do and don’t do a lot of things because of that.  Let it also be yours.  No one’s ever going to love you more than she did while she was here.

-Mindset Matters